


#294 - Not An Appropriate Use of Resources

by WyckedStarr



Series: Recommendations for Optimum Recruit Survival [4]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M, Or Is It?, Pre-Slash, SHIELD Recruit Survival Tips, Tony is sometimes completely insane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WyckedStarr/pseuds/WyckedStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SHIELD Recruit Survival Tip #294 - Causing Captain Roger's shirt to burst into flames just to see him take it off is not advised</p>
            </blockquote>





	#294 - Not An Appropriate Use of Resources

**Author's Note:**

> This one is my favourite so far  
> Beta-ed by SecretDime, found on Fanfiction.net [here](http://www.fanfiction.net/u/3309887/)  
> SHIELD Recruit Survival Tip #294 found [here](http://shieldrecruitsurvivaltips.tumblr.com/post/28140828109/tip294)

Bruce watched Tony work with apprehension. In his experience, if Tony was grinning like a maniac, that meant bad news for someone. He just hoped it wasn’t the explosive kind of bad news. He didn’t think he could handle another lecture from Fury about wasting SHIELD resources and blowing stuff up, especially as they were generally accompanied with a disapproving glare from Captain Rogers.

“Mwahahahahahahahaha! Tony burst out, cackling insanely. His hands were thankfully steady as he held a vial of liquid high above his head.

“Umm…Tony?” Bruce said, interrupting the other man’s insane mutterings. “What have you got there?”

Tony grinned and held the vial out to him, a proud look on his face. “It’s a chemical designed to burst into flames on contact with water, without causing burns.”

“Why would you create something like that?” Bruce asked. He held up a hand, pausing Tony before he could begin a long winded explanation. “Actually, I don’t want to know. Just promise me you’re not going to use it to blow up SHIELD.”

The dark haired man nodded enthusiastically, cradling the liquid close to his chest, smiling like a proud parent. Phase one of his brilliant plan was complete. Time to move to phase two. Phase two would require JARVIS’ help. Fortunately he had an in with the intelligence, something to do with being his creator.

***

The most difficult part of phase two, Tony discovered, was finding a way to make sure that the shirt he doused with his homemade miracle chemical was the one Steve wore. It wasn’t like he had a shirt for each day. However, thanks to JARVIS, he knew that Steve set out the clothes he planned to wear the next day out the night before, like the good little Boy Scout he was. Not it was just a matter of sneaking into a super soldier’s room without waking him up.

“JARVIS, play some soothing music or some shit in Cap’s room,” he suggested after a moment of contemplation. “Maybe it’ll keep him distracted.” Tony shifted his weight from side to side, waiting for the signal from JARVIS that it was safe to enter.

“Captain Rogers is asleep,” JARVIS said. Tony could hear the disapproval in JARVIS’ electronic voice, but he was more than used to ignoring the AI’s disapproval.

Being as quiet as he possibly could, Tony snuck into the darkened room. The tiny sliver of light from the open doorway provided him with just enough illumination to see the pile of clothes on the chair in the corner. All he had to do was cross the room without waking Steve up. Hopefully, the old time music that JARVIS had been playing as he went to sleep would keep him slumbering.

He crossed the room slowly and cautiously, freezing whenever the mound of blankets shifted even the tiniest amount. Finally he made it to the pile of clothes, pulling the shirt out of the pile. It was a nice shirt; it was a shame that it had to suffer the fate coming to it. It would though, for the greater good. Tony soaked the material in his wonder chemical and waited for it to dry quickly and completely, which would indicate that the chemical had been completely absorbed. He suppressed the triumphant laugh that bubbled up in his throat.

He wasn’t out of the woods yet though, he still had to make his way back across the room and to the door without waking Steve. In reality, it probably only took a minute or two to cross the room, it felt like eternity though. Every single time Steve so much as twitched in his sleep, Tony would flinch and freeze, waiting until he had settled again before taking another step.

Finally out of the room, he eased the door closed behind him. Tony gave into the urge to silently do a happy dance. Phase two was complete, time to wait. Phase three would begin in the morning.

***

Phase three also required JARVIS’ help. Tony had no idea had he had ever survived before JARVIS. Oh yeah, that’s right, he hadn’t. At least, not very well.

Unfortunately, before phase three could be put into action, an emergency call came through, summoning the entire team to the SHIELD headquarters. Luckily, it wasn’t the kind of emergency that required them to suit up, so the plan was still in motion, just with a slight location change, nothing major.

Tony waited until after the meeting, barely able to contain his anticipation. When Steve had come out of his room, wearing the shirt, he had grinned like a maniac. He had wanted, so badly, to put phase three into action as soon as they got to the HQ, but he knew that the fall out would be less severe if he waited until after the probably important meeting.

Though, having just sat through said meeting, Tony did not think that it was anywhere near important enough to justify the early morning wake up call. It was just Fury whining about what counted as a justifiable use of SHIELD resources, budgets, fighting evil while still staying within that budget, blah blah, nothing important.

Moving through the hallways at SHIELD headquarters, Tony waited until they were far enough away from Fury’s office that he wouldn’t immediately get yelled at. He coughed slightly and Steve paused, turning to face the dark haired man. The positioning was perfect, a fire sprinkler directly over his head and Tony couldn’t help but grin, pressing down the trigger in his pocket.

“Tony…what…?” Steve took the slightest of steps forward as the sprinkler spun into action.

The first droplet to hit the shirt sizzled on contact and Steve looked concerned, staring at his shirt. The water gushed out and his shirt roared up in flames. The blonde haired man yelped and tugged at his flaming shirt, ripping the burning fabric away from him.

A part of Tony’s mind noticed the unusual colour of the flames, a blue-green with greyish undertones. There must have been something that had affected it. The rest of his mind was busy committing the image in front of him to memory.

Water ran in rivulets down Steve’s perfect physique, contrasting with the still flaming shred of fabric hanging from his shoulders in a devastatingly attractive way. Having realised that the flames weren’t burning him, Steve had stopped trying to get rid of the shirt, instead choosing to stare at Tony, one eyebrow raised in an expression that was both fond and reproachful. It was a look that Steve directed at him fairly often.

“Stark!” Fury’s dulcet tones rang through the hallway. “What did I just say about wasting resources?!”

**Author's Note:**

> It has been so long since I've done anything that I've forgotten how I set everything out


End file.
